If you have noticed that you are in a toxic relationship and you truly care for the person, there are a few ways in which you can try to save your relationship. Fixing a toxic relationship is no easy task; however, there are some people that have done it before.
Trying to fix a toxic relationship can lead to more complications and sometimes, depending on the relationship, it is better to just walk away. However, if you feel the need to try to fix your toxic relationship, here are some steps that you can use to do so.
- Avoid Contact for a While
It may be beneficial for you and your partner to cut off communication with each other for a while. Taking a break is nothing to be ashamed of when in a difficult relationship. This time will allow you to determine if you want to continue trying to fix your relationship or if you want to cut your losses and move on.
- Identify the Issues within Your Relationship
You are not able to fix your relationship if you do not know what to fix. Here is where you must be honest with yourself and identify the issues that are present within your relationship. Talk to those that are close to you and ask them what issues if any they have seen within your relationship. Do not get upset if they mention issues that you may be displaying. This is the time to understand where you and your partner can improve to save your relationship.
You and your partner need to be mature enough to understand what you need to fic within your relationship and understand where the other person may be coming from. Take responsibility for you actions and try to understand where your partner may be coming from when it comes to your relationship. Could you be part of the issue? Are there things that you can change to make the relationship stronger without giving in to everything your partner needs/wants/demands?
There is a difference between cooperating with a person and giving in to everything they want and allowing the other person to have everything while you get nothing.
- Stop Blaming Each Other
When you begin to blame each other for your relationship not working out, it causes each side to become defensive and raises tensions even more. Fights will start and horrible words will be exchanged and it can even lead to violence between you two. Instead, take responsibility for your own actions and your partner should do the same.
You will be able to see if the relationship is worth fighting for or not if your partner takes responsibility. If he or she does not, there is no use fighting for the relationship you are in.
- Seek Professional Help
When you and your partner seek professional help, it can be very beneficial. When you seek professional help, you are allowing someone with extensive experience to be the moderator during talks. This is important when you or your partner, or both for that matter, can be difficult to talk to. This person can give you and your partner suggestions as to how to speak to each other and suggestions as to how you both can interact in a healthy manner.
Seeking help from a professional can be the difference between you fixing your relationship and going your separate ways. Just be ready to hear things that you may not want to hear and accept the help that is being provided to you. Understand that you are going to that person for help. That person is not the person that you should take all your frustrations out on.
Talking about it is healthy but making that person suffer through a session because of something that your partner did to you.
Controlling Relationships 101
An ideal relationship should be one that is considered a partnership. There may be differing roles within the dynamic but both should have an equal say. In a controlling relationship one of these partners is either using physical or emotional force to impose their will upon the other. A controlling personality is not always immediately obvious, in fact, outside of the relationship these individuals may seem nice and even charming.
Living within a controlling relationship can be a nightmare turning once outgoing, confident people into shells of their former selves. It is the very definition of a toxic relationship when one person has their control taken away leaving a hugely lopsided dynamic.
Isolation from Friends and Family
Psychotherapist Andrea Bonior Ph.D. says that one of the first indications of a growing controlling relationship is an attempt to isolate the victim. It is done subtly often with comments such as “You talk to your brother too often” or “I don’t like your friend so maybe you shouldn’t hang out so much.” In the interests of the relationship the victim often decreases contact with these people and often they cease talking with individuals. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling#:~:text=20%20Signs%20Your%20Partner%20Is%20Controlling%201%20Isolating,time%20with%20them%20than%20they%20need%20with%20you)
The aim of creating this isolation is to weaken the victim by removing their personal support network. This solidifies the controlling person’s power over the victim giving them greater status in the relationship.
Emotional and Physical Manipulation
The ways in which a controlling person can manipulate their partner are numerous, some are obvious while some are diabolically discreet. It is common for there to be threats of withholding affection from someone as a means to get their way. Also common are threats of suicide to shame and manipulate people into trying to prevent such a tragic outcome. The psychological assault includes constant criticism with occasional praise to control the self esteem of the victim.
Physical intimidation is not always the first sign of a controlling partner but as a person’s will is torn down violence can easily become part of the assault. Fear of being beaten or attacked can keep the victim subservient especially when they have been isolated from support and they feel they have no option but to stay.
The Owed Debt
Some controlling personalities use a very sneaky way to build a dependence on them by their victims. They become the definition of the perfect generous and romantic partner, treating their victim like royalty.
There may be expensive gifts and amazing experiences together which sweep the victim off their feet and in many ways become reliant on the controlling person. What ultimately happens from this is that the victim feels they owe the controller for how nice they were in the beginning. As a result, they may overlook dangerous warning signs when they arise.
Obsessive Need to Know What You’re Doing
A controlling personality is often aware that their victim may be unhappy and that they may desire to leave. In order to try and prevent this and be aware of any warning signs they will often be extremely suspicious and need to know what is happening at all times.
They may either by covert means or by demand want to view the victim’s phone messages or emails. A need to know where the victim has been and who they saw is also important to the controller. It often comes across as a police-like obsession to know what is going on.
Arguing You Into Submission
In a more openly controlling relationship the victim may find their partner will argue constantly until they are forced to give in and agree. With their will weakened the controlling personality wins out almost due to pure emotional exhaustion.